THE CAR (1977)

One day, for no known reason, a mysterious all-black car starts murdering people around the small desert town of Santa Ynez. The local authorities are useless and never call for outside help even after six of their own police officers are killed. Oh yeah, did I mention that the car doesn’t have a driver and it can drive through houses and tumble all over the joint and rev its engine a lot? Well, it can.

I first saw THE CAR when it aired on NBC on Saturday, November 22, 1980. My itty-bitty stupid child brain thought THE CAR was wicked as fuck and come Monday we were all standing around the school playground saying stuff like “The Car is wicked as fuck!” and “When Knight Rider shows up in two years, The Car is gonna kick K.I.T.T. in his N.U.T.T.Z.!” and “I wish The Car would kill me and my entire family! Yeah!” You know, normal childhood banter.

But…is THE CAR still entertaining today? Ehhh, the first two acts are fairly entertaining, I really did enjoy watching the car taking people out and then honking like a maniac, but the last act is a goddamn snoozer!

Amusing idea (even if it’s just a rip-off of JAWS), cool-looking devil whip, okay acting, pretty desert town locations, incorrect subtitles on the blu-ray and the DVD (see below), weak direction, even weaker script, solid cast, a police car falling one foot and exploding. Overall, THE CAR is an interesting film that made a pretty big impact on (movie-loving) children of a certain age. And even if I find the film to be weak nowadays, I’m still a fan of it and don’t understand why there wasn’t more done with this idea. I wish somebody had made more Car films back in the 1980’s.

If you’ve never seen THE CAR, then it’s definitely worth checking out. Double-feature with the Futurama episode "The Honking".

[Bonus newspaper clip talking shit about THE CAR. I actually remember also watching THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE after THE CAR.]

She clearly say "Cat poo!, not "Tadpole!" Even worse, this subtitle is incorrect on the DVD also. So like nobody checks this shit? Or they just don't give a fuck?

CHILDREN OF THE CORN II: THE FINAL SACRIFICE (1992)

A reporter and his teenage son are innocently driving through the backwoods of Nebraska when they happen upon the aftermath of the Gatlin massacre (a.k.a. the events of the first film). As any American law professor can tell you, the punishment for teenagers killing "fifty plus" people is...to be immediately adopted by the citizens of the next town over. So, our murderous band of bustas are bused to Hemingford where they start murder-death-killin' a new whole batch of oldz. It's not all bad news bears though, cuz while the entire population of Hemingford is being openly slaughtered, the father and the son both find time to boink females. Nice.

It's been (not nearly enough) years since the wretched A RETURN TO SALEM'S LOT assaulted my handsome eyeballs with its shittiness, but I kinda remember it having the same plot. A single dad and his teenage son argue a lot and get stuck in a small town taken over by evil people. The dad and the son still have time to bang local women. Eventually, the survivors band together (in boring ways) and defeat evil before driving away as the Sun rises.

I haven't seen CHILDREN OF THE CORN II: THE FINAL SACRIFICE since seeing it in the theater back in '93 and it was actually better than I remembered it being. Steady pace that kept the story going forward, a few fun kills (the nosebleed church dude was awesome!), vintage clothing, pretty farmland locations, good enough acting, satisfying ending (even if it was weak as fuck).

Overall, CHILDREN OF THE CORN II is a fun throwback to those mid-level, weak ass horror movies that sucked back in the day but are enjoyable now in a nostalgic way.

This has nothing to do with the review, but the evil teenagers from BLACK ROSES would beat the snot out of these Children of the Corn dorks. Just sayin'. [Update 12/25/2025: the more I think about this idea, the more I'd like to see a remake where the evil Corn Kids get shipped to Mill Basin and a huge gang war breaks out between the two evil kid gangs.]

[This also has nothing to do with the review, but if anybody is confused about the tagline on the poster saying, "These children are home alone, too", it's because this movie was in the theater at the same time as HOME ALONE 2. It's just a really bad joke. Proof.]

Part 1 - Children of the Corn (1984)
Part 3 - Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest (1995)
Part 4 - Children of the Corn: The Gathering (1996)
Part 5 - Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998)
Part 6 - Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999)
Part 7 - Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001)
Part 8 - Children of the Corn: Genesis (2011)
Part 9 - Children of the Corn: Runaway (2018)
Remake - Children of the Corn (2009)